Change the way you view life.

Okay, this must be the first post by me, in this new-happy-random-year. And, I know. I've been acting so crazy and out of mind, lately. I feel like i'm losing my mind. But then, i've spent so much time just with myself, and just think about my life, what will happen next, what should i do with my life, and what about my future. I can't just say 'i hate everything' or think i'm gonna kill everyone so i can get what i want. It just making situation more worst, and worst. I just realized, i have to adapt to it. I have to fix my life, adapt with the cruel society, stay strong and just let God do it in HIS way. I knew, God knows the best, he will never let me down, he always be there for me and he always do HIS best to me, and my life. Lately, i've been attack by the cruel society, i lost my sagacity, and i realized.. i forgot my creator.. God. And now i was awakened by my father, he told me everything. He teaches me everything. He teaches me how to live the lovely life, with God's love. He is the best father ever! i used to hate him.. always blame him with his own advice, but now, i've been think about it for a couple weeks, he was right. I was wrong. I have to grow up, change the way i see life. And i've found my inspirator... IT'S AUDREY HEPBURN!

Audrey came when i was having the darkness of life, so deeply. When i was almost leave all the good things thats shall be done by me. But i had a mini heart attack when i finally realized that Audrey has passed away a couple years ago :( it makes me so sad so badly. But it doesn't matter. She is a legend, ppl! she might be gone, but her effort will never ever ever gone! just like Marilyn Monroe and the others does.

I like her, her effort especially. Audrey has changed the way i see things, too. She made me feel 'asdfghjkl'! i can't describe it. She made me, and my life better than before. She is perfectonist. (I'm not blow it up, but this is the fact; don't get mad)

And this was the biggest. The biggest effort that she made to me. 'because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself' . She realized a lot of things, that never occurred to me. Probably, never passing through my mind.

And the most importantly was....

And, thats all, peeeeeeeople! (: xoxo.

Something i've learned about life. Like, really!

Well, i've been through so much things in this year. And, there is something that has been changed my mind since that night. (wait, what.)

Okay, do you ever feel like you're alone in a crowded room? yes. (this is getting serious.)

I don't know what was actually happened to me. But, suddenly, these unpredictable things came into my mind... and i guess, it has changed my whole way of thinking, of life. (nah, nah)
and this is what i thought yesterday...

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. 

So, love the people who treat you right. And forget about the ones who don't.

Try to learn to don't give a sh!t of what will people think about you.

Also, try to learn to don't give a fvvck of "what if's".

Really, it's better to have a life of  "oh wells" than to have a life of "what if's"

And believe, that everything happens for a reason.. even it was bad, or good.

If you get a chance -  take it. 

If it changes you life - let it.

Nobody said that it would be easy.....

So, you just have to keep you head up high, and let God do His best."

Yep, that's all. And this is my advice -- so, i hope this will be worth it, for you. :] 

Cheeeezzzeey! xoxo.

Прощай ноября, привет декабря.

So, i guess everyone have been so excited for Christmas! me too. Of course.
I've been getting so much trouble and bad things lately, but i still be grateful to God because he still give me chance to live this life and also, i knew he is planning for the best to me. I promise i will be more happier and be more thankful to God.. because, December was the month of joy, happiness, and to finish what you started. My favorite month, and, i guess, everyone's in. oho.

And well, i don't want much things in December. Actually, i just want my life to get soooooo much better than before and, (do not) being such a pyscho (again). JEEZ! but, really. I don't want to get so over but i mean in this case is.. i don't want to cry for no reason anymore, suicide season (wait,what.)... hurt myself and blaming myself because other's people mistakes.. and taught why not i just kill myself, so this fvvckin situation could dissapear? and i'm just like, "Depression isn't an act, eating disorders aren't a phases, suicide isn't a coward's escape, self-harming is not a cry for attention. Stop acting like you know everything. The truth is, you don't know sh!t." (Do i get bonus points if i act like i care?) jeez.
I know. It's all about my fault.. over-thinking. This mind has ruined my life so deep. ftw.

And yeah, the point is.. in this lovely month, i just have to be relax and not get over thinking anymore. I had to try to enjoy my life and do not give a sh!t of what will other people think about me. Because, i knew... in the end, all of this bulls just like a flavour of sense to add more colors in my life. And i should be so grateful to God, because i know he gave me this situation, because he wants to teach me how to learn from my mistakes, and, he wants to give me strength for preparation to lead this cruel life. This is just a lessons, and, also... this was just the beginning of life.
God bless me always. ☮ ‏

November/Novembre

Lana Del Rey - Video Games

M83 - Too Late

The Polar Dream - Endless Tales

Daughter - Love

Home - Foxes

All Those Friendly People - Funeral Suits

Youth - Daughter 

Solèy - Kill The Clown

Solèy - Pretty Face

Sia - Breathe

Gonna be okay. Just take a deep breathe.

Today, i have a lots of taught even i can't face it. But honestly today was as boring as my previous days. Yeah, my daily routine. Wakes up in the morning, laziness on top, school, lessons, shit days. I've been through it all over again. But then i taught, "Why don't you make your own happiness?" That was the final thing. I've been through my daily boring day all over again and nothing has changed. So, i decided to opened my notes on my handphone and made list of things that would make me happy. The first thing that popped into my mind was the song called Young, Wild, and Free by Wiz Khalifa ft. Snoop Dogg and Bruno Mars, those are my favorite musician. This song never fails to amuse me, and also Boys Like Girls's The Great Escape. The next thing that makes me happy is when my bestfriend sent me some cute text and that was made my day! my bestfriend is the best, she could make me smile even when i don't want to, she's my moodbooster. The next thing might sound a lil bit crazy,  i like to modus with my senior in my high school. Maybe some of you don't understand what is the meaning of modus, it's some kind of insane-thing that would make you happy for no reason :p yeah but sadly modus  is  only exist in my lovely country.. Indonesia. Indonesian's ppl, especially Teenagers is love to modus or even being modus. For us, it has some weird sense that could light up all of sadness or galau people hahahaha lol.  And the last thing that makes me happy is eat. Especially is eats chocolate, i feel so free and i don't know... it tastes good. 

See? After all, today wasn't that bad. In fact, everything isn't that bad after all. Whenever you feel like there's nothing you can do to fight all the problems ...just look on the bright side. I usually to don't give a fuck of what people would think about me, this is my life and you have nothing to do about it. Go fuck yourself and go make your own happiness. 

If you believe in who you are, who you were always meant to be, if you open up your heart, then you'll set your spirit free. –Disney Fairies

you make me want to punch myself in the face.

Today was a boring day. It was bad in any way possible. I didn't exactly know why, but everything seemed really annoying. It's like, i want to eat all the people in this planet. It all started since i woke up this morning, i just didn't feel like doing anything. Not only today -- these past few weeks i've been getting very moody. And yeah, honestly, i'm not getting over him yet since 2 years ago. I know it takes a very long time, but.. Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet. For a few minutes you made me feel as though I actually meant something to someone. It sucks when someone made you feel special yesterday, and then leaves you hanging without a goodbye and makes you feel like you're nothing to him.  I don't know which I would rather believe... that you never did care or that you eventually stopped. Where have you been, babe? did you forget to bring back my heart? you stole my heart and won't give it back to me. You have done teached me how to love you, but you forget to teach me how to forget you. You did hurt my heart, i don't know how many times. But i still love you, you make me feel like, I’ve been locked out of heaven... for too long. I never had much faith in love or miracles, and i never wanna put my heart on deny. But swimming in your world is something spiritual, i can't stop it. I love you more than you deserve, why am i such a fool? nothing feels right anymore. But, you know, You can erase someone from your mind, but getting them out of your heart is another story. And now i realise, every tears that i take, every sadness that i felt, even all of my sacrifice that i did for you, is not worth it anymore. My love grows like a dangerous disease. I swear it was the worst. They say that the world was built for two, only worth living if somebody is loving you. But i can't force you to love me, maybe it's true that i've been disappointed because we can't be together. But what can i do? Is it wrong to put all our hopes together and wish for something better? We are all connected to each other in a circle, in a hoop that never ends. But On this journey that you’re making, there’ll be answers that you’ll see. I won't give up. That's one thing I swear will be true, because I can't forget about my heart and how it felt to fall for you right from the start. When I look at you, I feel like we were made for each other but i knew, in the end, all it takes is faith and trust. The very things that held you down are gonna carry you up and up and up, i swear. But we all knew that the only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability, anything can happen if you let it. Sometimes things are difficult, but you can bet it doesn't have to be some. Hope for a miracle, that's all we can do. And don't worry, If the time comes, you'll know what to do. 

And now, i think i know what to do -- from now on, i should just take a deep breathe and let go. That's the best thing i could do. Maybe our memory will stay in my heart forever, but i choose to be happy. And i think, i could just make my own happiness. People change everyday till they find their own way, so can i. and mostly, people changes because pain. So, this is my advice -- if you won't let the person you love change, don't let them feel the pain. And once again, thanks for the memories. I'm glad you've been succeed for making me love you. Je t'aime, au revoir.

13

1.:Am I Nice? 

I don't really think that im a nice person but i'm pretty much sure that i'm not a cruella-devil....haha. lol that is a joke. But, usually my attitude is based on how you treat me. I don't care if you white, black, skinny, fat, tall, short or etc. If you nice to me, i'll be nice to you too. As simple as that. 

2:Am I doing what i really want to do?

Yes. I really hate it when others is tell me what to do. God, this is my life, not yours! mind your own business. Even when my dad, my mom or my brother tell me what to do; sometimes i don't do it because i won't and maybe i have another reasons. Yes, i'm a stubborn person. {Don't judge me, Only God can judge me}

3:What am i grateful for?

I am grateful for all i have. I am grateful of what God do to my life. Even when i'm sad, having a hard times, got a broken heart, mad or anything else that can makes me feel like 'i-don't-want-to-live-in-this-planet-anymore' I'm still grateful of what God do to my life, there must be a meaning of every moment 

that i've been through. God knows the best for me. 

4: Do i work hard?

Hahaha! that must be something that have a strong sense (For me). I think, until this time i never work hard, probably i've been really disappointed my parents, or even my family. I have no idea of what i did to my life. 

5:What do i need to change about myself?

Omg, that is a lot more than you can think. I'm stubborn, selfish, easily get angry, there's so much vice that i had in my personality. But honestly, i want to live a life in a new perspective. really.

6:Have i hurt others?

YEEEESSS! i feel really sorry for that. I've been hurting a lot of people.  And sometimes, i really don't mind about feeling of others. Maybe i was a b##tard, i think so. 

7:What is my biggest fear?

My biggest fear? it was absolutely dark. I mean, the real darkness. This world is full of crime, rape, stealing, fierce competition, LIES. Really... i can't even describe it. I have a weird sense of thinking; but this is my life, my world. 

8:What am i ashamed of?

honestly, i ashamed of my life; i have so much misery. But i usually force to fake a smile, a laugh because sometimes I don't want others know when i'm in pain, in hard times, or else. I am afraid to give my expression to others. People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but the truth is; what doesn't kill you messed you up mentally; you better recognize what is real. And i've learned the hard way. 

9:What is the most foolish thing i've ever done?

I do stupid things everyday, i think. So i guess this far i've never done the most foolish thing because stupid things is became my habit now; especially when i get comfortable with someone. {i'm a teenager. So, what's the matter?}

10: Where is the place you would love to visit? 

AAAAAAAAAH! I WANT TO ROVING THE EUROPE! ESPECIALLY PAAAARIS! You know, paris is the most beautiful place in da world. {For me, i think} Roma, Belgium, Denmark, Italy, Germany and a lot more of lovely place! someday, i would love to be able live in one of those lovely place!

11: What am i most proud of?

I am proud of me. I am proud to just being myself and to enjoy the whole world with the people i love. As simple as that. Happiness, joyful, grateful. I'd rather to play in a sand with my family and being an idiot with my cousins writing some weird name in a sand than to have all stuf that i wanted but being alone or falling apart with the people i love. I don't want to lose them!

12: What was the toughest time in my life?

i guess it was when my parents threatened by divorce. Really, i am so depressed. And as you know, i've got a mental illness because of it. But i don't want to talk about it, i almost over it. Doctor, friends and my family are supporting me always :]

13: What is the craziest thing i want to do?

First, i want to do ANYTHING for education. You know, i want to change the world. {Don't judge me} but i have to change myself first. And second, i want to travel the world with the people that i love. Seriously! i really want to do those thing! {God bless me :]} 

14: Do i constantly dwell on the past?

Sadly, i really have to say yes. I have "someone" on my past that probably i have to call him "My first love" it was like 4 years ago when we first met and i still don't get over it. And the last time (For now) that i met him, it was like 2 years ago! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH WITH ALL I HAVE. Omg, i am insane because of him. This is totally weird...

15: Do i forgive myself?

Nah. thats it. I still can't do that and i think i won't. I always think i am the worst, i always do the wrong and i am a b##tard. I don't even know why i can say this, but once you feel it you will get it. {I am a weirdy-foolish}

16: Do i care about what others think about me?

Absolutely no. And i really hate it when people is judging me like i was the worst, the wrong one and always be the one who to blame; Only God can judge me. And whatever they think about me, they didn't know the real me, they didn't know what i've been through. And yeah, i'm still living my Goddamn life. You should know that.

17: Do i let other people's negativity affect me?

ABSOLUTELY NO! i don't mind about what others think. They just want to let me down, but i can give them pain. They should mind their own business; this is my life, not theirs. So stop mind my business and think about your own life!